yes, again.

I should be sleeping. Really, I should. But that's not working for me right now. So much is on my heart and in my mind that neither can really settle down enough to sleep.
Tomorrow I go back to YFN. I know I already said that in my earlier post. But there's a whole lot more to it than just me going to a youth camp. The year that I was part of the Core changed my life. 6 weeks of radical hearing from the Lord and seeing Him move like I never had before--expecting Him to do things I never expected Him to do before. So many years worth of growth were packed, accelerated, into 6 very short and yet very long weeks. I'm still unpacking revelation and finding explanations for what all I learned and experienced there. And that was 2 years ago. And now I'm going back. Just for one week. But.......it's like knowing you're going back into your past---but knowing that it's going to be different. And that's a very odd feeling. (For all you English snobs out there: I know I've begun multiple sentences with the word "and." I just don't feel like restructuring right now. :P) Yet for some very peculiar reason, tons of the people that were vital parts of that year, most of whom I haven't seen since, are going to be there this coming week. That only enhances the oddity of this feeling. It's somewhere between anxiousness and excitement and unpreparedness and peace and.....restoration? Most of me just wants to jump to 1:00 tomorrow afternoon and already be there.
I'm looking forward to everything being completely different. Because I think for the first time in 2 years, I'm actually ok with the fact that that season was the most incredible and best time of my life---but it's over. It's done. And there's more for me. Bill Johnson, or Kris Valloton, one of the two, said something to the effect of, "You know you're dying when your memories are greater than your dreams." I think the reverse is that you know you're coming alive again when you're at peace with your memories simply being memories--and your dreams become your reality.

I think maybe I can sleep now. Maybe. At least I can try. :)