At last....

Wow. So much to say. Might as well start at the beginning. ;)
*warning: this will be long*

YFN. Hm. It was peculiar to be back. I had the same feeling walking back on the campus as I did walking off of it last time. It was sort of bittersweet. Like knowing you're in the place between two worlds-old and new. I learned so much there 2 years ago--this song was introduced to me there this year:

"I don't want to talk about You like You're not in this room
I wanna look right at You
I wanna sing right to You
You won't relent until You have it all."

That so captures what YFN was for me last time: a face-to-face encounter with God. He became a tangible, approachable, loves-me and acts on my behalf God. Yet when I left I knew that the season I had so loved there was over. I knew it with every fiber of my being. I just forgot that in my homesickness for His presence. I know God is with us always--but when you tangibly feel Him near, you're forever changed. A hunger is birthed in your spirit that can't be satisfied with mere knowledge.
Fast forward to last week. I wrote some of my inner turmoil on here before I left. By the time I actually got to campus, I wasn't entirely sure what to expect-I just knew I was excited. This year's YFN was very different from the last week I had been to. It got to foundational issues and established deep truths that have to be in place before the external realities come into being. Meaning? ;) First night was on letting go of traumas in your life that have driven you to things you wouldn't have considered, except you want to escape. Second night was on love. Oy. On really experiencing the love of God. Not knowing it, but EXPERIENCING it. The speaker called for all the sponsors who were parents to line the aisles and be available for ministry--otherwise known as being the ones that the kids who needed healing for parent wounds would hug and cling to for dear life. I broke at that point. Matter of fact, I wept for the rest of the service. I was watching. Something about what I knew those sponsors were feeling and experiencing leapt in my heart. I have no idea why, except that I was in their place 2 years ago and I've never sensed the purpose that I did then. Wednesday--recovering the fear of the Lord. Treasuring and valuing one's relationship with the Lord to the point where nothing comes between you. Very powerful night. All the ministry was done within the youth groups, while the interns all gathered on stage and interceded. Again--it got me. I've tried to figure out what it is about them that gets my heart so much. I weighed what it could be in the moment, and I've just decided that it's part of my calling, deep in the fibers of my being, that hasn't been revealed yet. It's not jealousy--I don't want to be there right now. I'm not supposed to be there. It's not mourning--I'm not sad. It's just-----like a calling. A yearning without a name for now.

And now it's confession time. David, a spiritual grandfather of mine, told me on Sunday morning to stop living somewhere I've never been. That God would equip me for each day--and not to live 2 months of 3 years from now. That was extremely convicting. I've been looking forward to the fall semester away, and I haven't given all of me to what's in today. Last week I didn't give all that I had to the week, because I knew I wouldn't be with the youth for a semester. I think I robbed myself and them from whatever blessings God would have poured out if I hadn't been "protecting" myself and them. Pshh. Protection from what, I asked myself afterward. Walls. Walls aren't protection. They're prisons. So to everyone who went to YFN with me---I'm sorry. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I had a wonderful time with every one of you--but I didn't give myself completely to the week, and I regret that.
To Jesus: I'm sorry. I didn't give myself wholly to You, either. I held back, afraid of being unable to carry what You gave me last time. Some things I gave up---but You want it all. You pursue it all. You won't relent from this crazy pursuit of me until You claim all of my heart, even the parts I'm terrified of giving up. You reminded me of that this week. Of how precious this relationship is. Of how totally Yours I can be. Thank You. but that doesn't even begin to express it.