After dinner we moved to the den, a room surrounded in floor to ceiling pane-less windows. A gentle storm had just rolled in, so we all settled in the couches and watched, lights out, as the lightning flashed and the roll of the raindrops drummed on the roof. The slightly blue light from outside was the only illumination of the room, casting shadows but not doubt on the faces of the occupants. There was silence. Then soft conversation.
"Such a nice rain."
"Mmm." Pause.
"I hope the farmers are getting this too."
Silence again, except for the pattering of rain against the windows. I settled into the cozy blue couch I've spent so many nights on and let my bangs fall across the side of my face. I was too lazily comfortable to care. How often, really, do you simply get to be?
Not do, not really think, but simply be?
A couple years ago I had the revelation that one huge reason most of us like movies is that they take the truly special and unique moments in life, slow them down, and connect them so that we can relive them and see their significance. Ever since then I think I've taken greater notice of the real moments in life that are like that. Tonight was one of those moments that could be made into a movie. My parents & I went to visit some dear friends of ours tonight, and this is a moment from the visit. There's such beauty in moments like this. They happen all the time, if we have eyes to see. You don't have to create them, or do anything for them, but if you capture them, they become treasures.
A friend of mine wrote the other day,
"It's the moments that lead to your milestones that make life worth investing in, and why
you have to be aware in each moment."
Amazing how true that statement is.
Sep 5, 2009
Jul 26, 2009
A pillar of fire and a covenant
Hello again. =)
Thursday night at YFN during worship the Lord gave me a vision that got an interpretation this morning. Thought I'd share it. ;)
In the vision I was in the middle of a funnel cloud of fire. It looked like what I've always imagined the pillar of fire that led the Israelites in Exodus looking like. Right next to it was a funnel that was a cloud that I was also in. I could see the cloud, but the fire was the focus. I had no clue what it meant, but I knew it had a meaning. So the Lord has been teaching me about His love....and like I've said before, how seriously to take this relationship with Him. Well, last night I was reading a book by Kris Valloton, and he was talking about covenanting with God, rather than just cohabiting with Him. Covenant is where both partners expect and intend to die to self for the other. Cohabitation is just to get what you can from the other. That caught my attention.
So this morning, a pastor from Israel was speaking at church. He talked about the covenant with Abram in Genesis 15:17-18:
"And it came to pass, when the sun went down and it was dark, that behold, there appeared a smoking oven and a burning torch that passed between the pieces (of meat on the ground). On the same day the Lord made a covenant with Abram.."
The pastor had a power point to go with his message---the slide for this scripture had a picture on it of a pillar of fire going between the meat---making the covenant. Suddenly it clicked.
A covenant. Jesus was making a covenant with me. And I was making a covenant with Him.
That night the speaker had talked about the point of no return--having to choose to jump into Him, no matter what that would look like. I jumped. But I didn't make the connection until this morning that the vision was directly tied to the decision that night.
Jesus, you're so awesome.
Thursday night at YFN during worship the Lord gave me a vision that got an interpretation this morning. Thought I'd share it. ;)
In the vision I was in the middle of a funnel cloud of fire. It looked like what I've always imagined the pillar of fire that led the Israelites in Exodus looking like. Right next to it was a funnel that was a cloud that I was also in. I could see the cloud, but the fire was the focus. I had no clue what it meant, but I knew it had a meaning. So the Lord has been teaching me about His love....and like I've said before, how seriously to take this relationship with Him. Well, last night I was reading a book by Kris Valloton, and he was talking about covenanting with God, rather than just cohabiting with Him. Covenant is where both partners expect and intend to die to self for the other. Cohabitation is just to get what you can from the other. That caught my attention.
So this morning, a pastor from Israel was speaking at church. He talked about the covenant with Abram in Genesis 15:17-18:
"And it came to pass, when the sun went down and it was dark, that behold, there appeared a smoking oven and a burning torch that passed between the pieces (of meat on the ground). On the same day the Lord made a covenant with Abram.."
The pastor had a power point to go with his message---the slide for this scripture had a picture on it of a pillar of fire going between the meat---making the covenant. Suddenly it clicked.
A covenant. Jesus was making a covenant with me. And I was making a covenant with Him.
That night the speaker had talked about the point of no return--having to choose to jump into Him, no matter what that would look like. I jumped. But I didn't make the connection until this morning that the vision was directly tied to the decision that night.
Jesus, you're so awesome.
Jul 23, 2009
At last....
Wow. So much to say. Might as well start at the beginning. ;)
*warning: this will be long*
YFN. Hm. It was peculiar to be back. I had the same feeling walking back on the campus as I did walking off of it last time. It was sort of bittersweet. Like knowing you're in the place between two worlds-old and new. I learned so much there 2 years ago--this song was introduced to me there this year:
"I don't want to talk about You like You're not in this room
I wanna look right at You
I wanna sing right to You
You won't relent until You have it all."
That so captures what YFN was for me last time: a face-to-face encounter with God. He became a tangible, approachable, loves-me and acts on my behalf God. Yet when I left I knew that the season I had so loved there was over. I knew it with every fiber of my being. I just forgot that in my homesickness for His presence. I know God is with us always--but when you tangibly feel Him near, you're forever changed. A hunger is birthed in your spirit that can't be satisfied with mere knowledge.
Fast forward to last week. I wrote some of my inner turmoil on here before I left. By the time I actually got to campus, I wasn't entirely sure what to expect-I just knew I was excited. This year's YFN was very different from the last week I had been to. It got to foundational issues and established deep truths that have to be in place before the external realities come into being. Meaning? ;) First night was on letting go of traumas in your life that have driven you to things you wouldn't have considered, except you want to escape. Second night was on love. Oy. On really experiencing the love of God. Not knowing it, but EXPERIENCING it. The speaker called for all the sponsors who were parents to line the aisles and be available for ministry--otherwise known as being the ones that the kids who needed healing for parent wounds would hug and cling to for dear life. I broke at that point. Matter of fact, I wept for the rest of the service. I was watching. Something about what I knew those sponsors were feeling and experiencing leapt in my heart. I have no idea why, except that I was in their place 2 years ago and I've never sensed the purpose that I did then. Wednesday--recovering the fear of the Lord. Treasuring and valuing one's relationship with the Lord to the point where nothing comes between you. Very powerful night. All the ministry was done within the youth groups, while the interns all gathered on stage and interceded. Again--it got me. I've tried to figure out what it is about them that gets my heart so much. I weighed what it could be in the moment, and I've just decided that it's part of my calling, deep in the fibers of my being, that hasn't been revealed yet. It's not jealousy--I don't want to be there right now. I'm not supposed to be there. It's not mourning--I'm not sad. It's just-----like a calling. A yearning without a name for now.
And now it's confession time. David, a spiritual grandfather of mine, told me on Sunday morning to stop living somewhere I've never been. That God would equip me for each day--and not to live 2 months of 3 years from now. That was extremely convicting. I've been looking forward to the fall semester away, and I haven't given all of me to what's in today. Last week I didn't give all that I had to the week, because I knew I wouldn't be with the youth for a semester. I think I robbed myself and them from whatever blessings God would have poured out if I hadn't been "protecting" myself and them. Pshh. Protection from what, I asked myself afterward. Walls. Walls aren't protection. They're prisons. So to everyone who went to YFN with me---I'm sorry. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I had a wonderful time with every one of you--but I didn't give myself completely to the week, and I regret that.
To Jesus: I'm sorry. I didn't give myself wholly to You, either. I held back, afraid of being unable to carry what You gave me last time. Some things I gave up---but You want it all. You pursue it all. You won't relent from this crazy pursuit of me until You claim all of my heart, even the parts I'm terrified of giving up. You reminded me of that this week. Of how precious this relationship is. Of how totally Yours I can be. Thank You. but that doesn't even begin to express it.
*warning: this will be long*
YFN. Hm. It was peculiar to be back. I had the same feeling walking back on the campus as I did walking off of it last time. It was sort of bittersweet. Like knowing you're in the place between two worlds-old and new. I learned so much there 2 years ago--this song was introduced to me there this year:
"I don't want to talk about You like You're not in this room
I wanna look right at You
I wanna sing right to You
You won't relent until You have it all."
That so captures what YFN was for me last time: a face-to-face encounter with God. He became a tangible, approachable, loves-me and acts on my behalf God. Yet when I left I knew that the season I had so loved there was over. I knew it with every fiber of my being. I just forgot that in my homesickness for His presence. I know God is with us always--but when you tangibly feel Him near, you're forever changed. A hunger is birthed in your spirit that can't be satisfied with mere knowledge.
Fast forward to last week. I wrote some of my inner turmoil on here before I left. By the time I actually got to campus, I wasn't entirely sure what to expect-I just knew I was excited. This year's YFN was very different from the last week I had been to. It got to foundational issues and established deep truths that have to be in place before the external realities come into being. Meaning? ;) First night was on letting go of traumas in your life that have driven you to things you wouldn't have considered, except you want to escape. Second night was on love. Oy. On really experiencing the love of God. Not knowing it, but EXPERIENCING it. The speaker called for all the sponsors who were parents to line the aisles and be available for ministry--otherwise known as being the ones that the kids who needed healing for parent wounds would hug and cling to for dear life. I broke at that point. Matter of fact, I wept for the rest of the service. I was watching. Something about what I knew those sponsors were feeling and experiencing leapt in my heart. I have no idea why, except that I was in their place 2 years ago and I've never sensed the purpose that I did then. Wednesday--recovering the fear of the Lord. Treasuring and valuing one's relationship with the Lord to the point where nothing comes between you. Very powerful night. All the ministry was done within the youth groups, while the interns all gathered on stage and interceded. Again--it got me. I've tried to figure out what it is about them that gets my heart so much. I weighed what it could be in the moment, and I've just decided that it's part of my calling, deep in the fibers of my being, that hasn't been revealed yet. It's not jealousy--I don't want to be there right now. I'm not supposed to be there. It's not mourning--I'm not sad. It's just-----like a calling. A yearning without a name for now.
And now it's confession time. David, a spiritual grandfather of mine, told me on Sunday morning to stop living somewhere I've never been. That God would equip me for each day--and not to live 2 months of 3 years from now. That was extremely convicting. I've been looking forward to the fall semester away, and I haven't given all of me to what's in today. Last week I didn't give all that I had to the week, because I knew I wouldn't be with the youth for a semester. I think I robbed myself and them from whatever blessings God would have poured out if I hadn't been "protecting" myself and them. Pshh. Protection from what, I asked myself afterward. Walls. Walls aren't protection. They're prisons. So to everyone who went to YFN with me---I'm sorry. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I had a wonderful time with every one of you--but I didn't give myself completely to the week, and I regret that.
To Jesus: I'm sorry. I didn't give myself wholly to You, either. I held back, afraid of being unable to carry what You gave me last time. Some things I gave up---but You want it all. You pursue it all. You won't relent from this crazy pursuit of me until You claim all of my heart, even the parts I'm terrified of giving up. You reminded me of that this week. Of how precious this relationship is. Of how totally Yours I can be. Thank You. but that doesn't even begin to express it.
Jul 20, 2009
Soon...very soon..
I will post a real update. Really. Just not yet. ;) I think the best way to describe my week is that the more I think about it, the better it was. =D
Jul 12, 2009
A first for everything
Although this really doesn't feel like a first. Actually it feels more like I've reverted to the days of Xanga. Anybody remember those days? ;) I figured I would eventually set up a blog for my tales of Uruguay and other adventurous places anyway, so why not just do it now? That way all of you get to suffer with me through the toils of discovering all 6 papers worth of info on where I'll be going, before I ever get there. =D Aren't you thrilled?
This week I'm off to YFN---one of my favorite places in the world. I'm excited to see what happens this week--and I'll try to update afterward, if for no other reason than that I need to get in the habit.
So, good night all. Welcome to my little cyber abode. =)
This week I'm off to YFN---one of my favorite places in the world. I'm excited to see what happens this week--and I'll try to update afterward, if for no other reason than that I need to get in the habit.
So, good night all. Welcome to my little cyber abode. =)
yes, again.
I should be sleeping. Really, I should. But that's not working for me right now. So much is on my heart and in my mind that neither can really settle down enough to sleep.
Tomorrow I go back to YFN. I know I already said that in my earlier post. But there's a whole lot more to it than just me going to a youth camp. The year that I was part of the Core changed my life. 6 weeks of radical hearing from the Lord and seeing Him move like I never had before--expecting Him to do things I never expected Him to do before. So many years worth of growth were packed, accelerated, into 6 very short and yet very long weeks. I'm still unpacking revelation and finding explanations for what all I learned and experienced there. And that was 2 years ago. And now I'm going back. Just for one week. But.......it's like knowing you're going back into your past---but knowing that it's going to be different. And that's a very odd feeling. (For all you English snobs out there: I know I've begun multiple sentences with the word "and." I just don't feel like restructuring right now. :P) Yet for some very peculiar reason, tons of the people that were vital parts of that year, most of whom I haven't seen since, are going to be there this coming week. That only enhances the oddity of this feeling. It's somewhere between anxiousness and excitement and unpreparedness and peace and.....restoration? Most of me just wants to jump to 1:00 tomorrow afternoon and already be there.
I'm looking forward to everything being completely different. Because I think for the first time in 2 years, I'm actually ok with the fact that that season was the most incredible and best time of my life---but it's over. It's done. And there's more for me. Bill Johnson, or Kris Valloton, one of the two, said something to the effect of, "You know you're dying when your memories are greater than your dreams." I think the reverse is that you know you're coming alive again when you're at peace with your memories simply being memories--and your dreams become your reality.
I think maybe I can sleep now. Maybe. At least I can try. :)
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